im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
