he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
