Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize