just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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