It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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