you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
