Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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