Cold hands, warm shart.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I could fuck to npr.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
