so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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