I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
