He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize