Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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