I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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