Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
