He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
