He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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