she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
