You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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