So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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