Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
