a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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