id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
