Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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