You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
