Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
