I am puke
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't notice because vodka
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
