Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
its not stalking. its research.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
