I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
