I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
