Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
