i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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