The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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