Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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