I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
