guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
