can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I touched a dick in church today
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