You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
