I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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