when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
