my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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