pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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