sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
