Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
