i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
