Someone shit on the floor
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize