Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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