i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize