At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
