i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
