I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize