Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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