I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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