Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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