a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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