gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
