My friends, they love my intelligence
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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