You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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