Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
