Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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