My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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