How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need to sanitize my soul.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
