woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
