That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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