Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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