can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
