Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
