Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
