I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
