I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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