come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
